P.L.E.A.S.E

Hey babes, I’m back with another post. I know it took me some time to get back to sharing with you all but...your girl stays busy.

| Here’s what’s new, I’m in my second semester of grad school (whoop whoop) and just started a new job as a mentor which I’m sorry for the bragging but yo girl been working hard for this. Everything has been going smooth but at the same time chaotic per usual.

I want to share with you some things I’ve experienced and have learned from these past months and what I’ve concluded from it all.

Let me ask you...Are you the one who is always trying to make everyone happy? Whether it be with family, friends or even in relationships. The one who always willing to give without a thought of receiving it back? The one who has a hard time with the word no? Yeah? Listen, I get it, that’s my issue as well.

Here’s some things common people pleaser do:

- P)utting Others First

This may not sound like a bad thing. In fact, putting others ahead of ourselves is often seen as an admirable quality. However, people pleasers do this because they fail to admit that they have any needs at all. In an effort to avoid disappointing anyone, you run yourself ragged trying to do it all.

There’s a reason that they tell you on flights to put the oxygen mask over your face first before helping others. While serving others is great, you won’t be able to do this well if you don’t also take care of yourself. People pleasers often wait for permission from someone else to do this. But it’s important for you to give permission to yourself. Make your needs a priority.

- (L)etting Others Decide

People pleasers find it hard to make their own decisions. They (sometimes) avoid voicing strong opinions and let others make decisions for them because going along with the majority is less risky. They believe if they appear to go with the flow, they won’t be thought of as pushy, negative or stubborn. This often means agreeing to things they don’t enjoy, don’t want to do, or that go against their morals.

* I’ve learned that it’s okay to speak up, especially when dealing with loved ones. You are perfectly capable of making decisions. Others are often grateful for someone who is willing to express an opinion and make a decision. It shows confidence, not pushiness. Find your voice and use it.

- (E)xpecting Everyone to Like You

Finding out someone doesn’t like you is absolutely crushing for a people pleaser. You did everything you could to make them like you! What did you do wrong? What can you do to get them to change their mind?

These are people-pleaser questions. Everyone is different both culturally and ethnically. It’s inevitable that someone won’t like you. So many personalities make up this world that you’re going to find some that will rub you the wrong way. It doesn’t make you any less of a person. It simply makes you HUMAN. Accept that not everyone will like you and stop pouring emotional energy into trying to make sure everyone does.

- (A)voiding Your Emotions

Have you buried your emotions so often and so deep that you have trouble finding them? If so, you might be a people pleaser. Because you’re so anxious to make others happy, you suppress your own feelings. If you ignore them long enough, you risk no longer recognizing them or in some cases a “POP OFF” because you’ve been holding all that stuff in.

Do some soul searching. Re-identify your emotions. Get in touch with how you feel about things, rather than seeing them through another’s lens. Give yourself permission to feel, express and experience the emotions you have been denying.

- (S)aying Yes

“No” rarely leaves a people pleaser’s lips. Telling someone no might disappoint or anger them. It might make them think less of you, or worse, not like you! You say yes to everything in an endless effort to appease. The result is an overbooked schedule and lying about your availability. You become the YES-man or YES-woman that everyone goes to for tasks no one else wants to do, because they know you won’t say no.

This can be very difficult at first, but it’s important to learn the word no. Start small. You don’t have to take on extra shifts (work) that you don’t want to. You can admit that you’re too busy to babysit. You don’t have to drive that friend around when you’re really burnt out from a long work week. As you learn to express your emotions, you can also learn to say no when you need to.

- (E)motional Turmoil

If you have spent years burying your emotions and saying yes to everything, you likely experience frequent frustration, anger and bitterness. While not expressed externally, this emotional battle rages within you and doesn’t have an outlet. You resent the person who has “forced” you to do something when you could have said no or get angry about a situation you’re in when it could have been avoided by being honest.

If you start saying no, become honest about your needs and accept that not everyone will like you, you can overcome being a people pleaser. Not everyone will be pleased, but it will be a much more pleasing life.

I have learned (slowly) to do all of these things in the best way for MY peace.

I know from experience I use to do these things and question myself all the time without even thinking twice about it and then I’d feel super empty.

Advice | QUIT THAT JOB IF IT STRESSES YOU OUT (but make sure you have some sort of financial stability BEFORE doing this), GET RID OF THAT PERSON WHO NEEDS MORE THAN THEY GIVE, START SAYING NO! PERIOD. I don’t mean to yell, but this is mandatory for your mental and physical health.

Although, I’ll probably always be the person who is caring, present, and reliable and wear my heart on my sleeve, I am better at being honest with my emotions and kinder to myself.

I hope in sharing my experience this has helped you to identify some changes you may need to make if you are too a “people pleaser”.

ALWAYS be true to who you are but NEVER let someone push you around.

Thank you for reading , until next time.

Xoxo

- Jade’ Montinique